Wow.

Weeks and months have passed with nary a word written about kindness. The thoughts, intentions, and struggles could fill a book, however. In the new year, I want to write more. I want to write about kindness. And, of course, I want to be more kind.

I have the most amazing people in my life. No really, they are smart, loving, accomplished, attentive, and you guessed it, kind. I recently read Anne Lamott's Help, Thanks, Wow (which I highly recommend). In it, she articulates my exact thinking about these people in my life. She writes,

Most humbling of all is to comprehend the lifesaving gift that your pit crew of people has been for you, and all the experience you have shared, the journeys together, the collaborations, births and deaths, divorces, rehab, and vacations, the solidarity you have shown one another... The marvel is only partly that somehow you lured them into your web twenty years ago...and they totally stuck with you...The more astonishing thing is that these greatest of all possible people feel the same way about you-horrible, grim, self-obsessed you...What a great scam, to have gotten people of such extreme quality and loyalty to think you are stuck with them.

Uh huh. That's exactly right.

I'm quite good at this scam. Should one have the unique privilege of meeting my people, one would immediately see this extreme quality. They are simply good. Good.to.the.core.

I'm sure you are wondering by now what this has to do with kindness. Plenty.

Today I was listening to a friend tell me all about a challenging life scenario. As the narrative progresses, I watch myself, in a slow motion movie, act like a complete ass. I wasn't even close to kind. I was abrasive, opinionated, bossy, and contrary. What I know about myself is that I'm worried in my bones about this high quality friend. This is likely why I responded in such a ridiculous way. How comforting, especially given that my new year's resolution to be more kind lasted less than 72 hours!

Later, I apologized and fessed up to my extreme worry. My friend, of course, was gracious, understanding, and (worst of all) kind. Why, oh why is that part so hard for me? I suppose I take comfort in the fact that I caught it this time. It only took me replaying this hideous display of brattiness a few dozen times before I recognized the opportunity to lead with my marshmallow heart.

Ok, 2013, you are bringing your A-game. Kindness will require more of me than giving money to the homeless and paying someone's parking meter. Excuse me while I go lick my wounds and prepare for this monstrous uphill climb.