Welcome at the Restart

Most people I know have hobbies. My friends are painters, junk collectors, tv officiandos, music hipsters, and sports fans. Me, I work. I love to work and even my free time is spent in strategic planning retreats. Snore. Given that I love to work, it is a very good thing that I love my job. LOVE. I get to make the community a better place and help managers be better managers. Cool, right? 

Another thing I love about job is that every single day, I am called to be a better version of myself. This kindness adventure fits right in. Last week, after meeting with a manager, it was pointed out to me that I was coming across all harsh-like. STING! I'm trying to be a nice girl. Here's the kicker--I didn't feel harsh, frustrated, or unkind. I felt like a normal, happy, Michelle.

All was not lost. About an hour later, I got to meet with said manager again. Tail tucked, I tried again. This time, I was overly mindful of how I might portray supporting kindness. And, you know what? I did it! The follow up feedback was that I was much better, more soft and kind. As a result, this manager was bouyed up in a hard job. Isn't that the point after all? I was so grateful for the chance to try again. 

A few days later, I was remembering the experience while listening to this band I love, Mumford & Sons. Their sweet lyrics touched my heart.

It seems that all my bridges have been burnt

But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works

It's not the long walk home that will change this heart

But the welcome I receive with the restart

During my normal work day, when it seemed I had torched my own bridge to kindness, grace appeared and I was able to restart. I'm so grateful.

And I must say, the welcome was quite swelling.

Being an Expert

I've been attending the sweetest little church recently. It is a funky old building on a quiet neighborhood street. Half the people are at least 110, which is charming. We sing music from a hymnal and the minister wears a robe. And we talk about how God is still speaking and how that changes us. Finally, a community of believers.

Sunday was the Epiphany. We celebrated the wise men who found the baby Jesus and recognized him as the Christ. A key point in the sermon revealed a piece of my struggle to be kind (an epiphany of my own!)

Turns out the wise men didn't actually know what that new found star in the sky was all about. They did however recognize that it meant something. They were open to what it might mean and how that might change their lives. They had what a buddhist might call a beginners mind.

The guy who did know all about this star, King Herrod, was furious. He knew all about the prophecies of a Messiah and that this was the high sign that Christ had been born. I'm getting to kindness, I promise. King Herrod was the expert and thus had already formulated his reaction to this event. In fact, he sent the "wise" men on their way.

In my own life, I seek so often to be seen as smart, together, and expert-like. It occurs to me that I'm King Herrod in my quest for kindness. How often am I striving to be the expert when I could strive to be kind? How often am I like the wise men, open and ready to receive the light that prompts a more kind approach?

Lemme tell ya, the latter isn't all that often. BUT, this is progress on my journey to kindness! If I can untangle my need to be all-knowing, then kindness might just pour out of my soul.

Wow.

Weeks and months have passed with nary a word written about kindness. The thoughts, intentions, and struggles could fill a book, however. In the new year, I want to write more. I want to write about kindness. And, of course, I want to be more kind.

I have the most amazing people in my life. No really, they are smart, loving, accomplished, attentive, and you guessed it, kind. I recently read Anne Lamott's Help, Thanks, Wow (which I highly recommend). In it, she articulates my exact thinking about these people in my life. She writes,

Most humbling of all is to comprehend the lifesaving gift that your pit crew of people has been for you, and all the experience you have shared, the journeys together, the collaborations, births and deaths, divorces, rehab, and vacations, the solidarity you have shown one another... The marvel is only partly that somehow you lured them into your web twenty years ago...and they totally stuck with you...The more astonishing thing is that these greatest of all possible people feel the same way about you-horrible, grim, self-obsessed you...What a great scam, to have gotten people of such extreme quality and loyalty to think you are stuck with them.

Uh huh. That's exactly right.

I'm quite good at this scam. Should one have the unique privilege of meeting my people, one would immediately see this extreme quality. They are simply good. Good.to.the.core.

I'm sure you are wondering by now what this has to do with kindness. Plenty.

Today I was listening to a friend tell me all about a challenging life scenario. As the narrative progresses, I watch myself, in a slow motion movie, act like a complete ass. I wasn't even close to kind. I was abrasive, opinionated, bossy, and contrary. What I know about myself is that I'm worried in my bones about this high quality friend. This is likely why I responded in such a ridiculous way. How comforting, especially given that my new year's resolution to be more kind lasted less than 72 hours!

Later, I apologized and fessed up to my extreme worry. My friend, of course, was gracious, understanding, and (worst of all) kind. Why, oh why is that part so hard for me? I suppose I take comfort in the fact that I caught it this time. It only took me replaying this hideous display of brattiness a few dozen times before I recognized the opportunity to lead with my marshmallow heart.

Ok, 2013, you are bringing your A-game. Kindness will require more of me than giving money to the homeless and paying someone's parking meter. Excuse me while I go lick my wounds and prepare for this monstrous uphill climb.