Welcome at the Restart

Most people I know have hobbies. My friends are painters, junk collectors, tv officiandos, music hipsters, and sports fans. Me, I work. I love to work and even my free time is spent in strategic planning retreats. Snore. Given that I love to work, it is a very good thing that I love my job. LOVE. I get to make the community a better place and help managers be better managers. Cool, right? 

Another thing I love about job is that every single day, I am called to be a better version of myself. This kindness adventure fits right in. Last week, after meeting with a manager, it was pointed out to me that I was coming across all harsh-like. STING! I'm trying to be a nice girl. Here's the kicker--I didn't feel harsh, frustrated, or unkind. I felt like a normal, happy, Michelle.

All was not lost. About an hour later, I got to meet with said manager again. Tail tucked, I tried again. This time, I was overly mindful of how I might portray supporting kindness. And, you know what? I did it! The follow up feedback was that I was much better, more soft and kind. As a result, this manager was bouyed up in a hard job. Isn't that the point after all? I was so grateful for the chance to try again. 

A few days later, I was remembering the experience while listening to this band I love, Mumford & Sons. Their sweet lyrics touched my heart.

It seems that all my bridges have been burnt

But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works

It's not the long walk home that will change this heart

But the welcome I receive with the restart

During my normal work day, when it seemed I had torched my own bridge to kindness, grace appeared and I was able to restart. I'm so grateful.

And I must say, the welcome was quite swelling.

Being an Expert

I've been attending the sweetest little church recently. It is a funky old building on a quiet neighborhood street. Half the people are at least 110, which is charming. We sing music from a hymnal and the minister wears a robe. And we talk about how God is still speaking and how that changes us. Finally, a community of believers.

Sunday was the Epiphany. We celebrated the wise men who found the baby Jesus and recognized him as the Christ. A key point in the sermon revealed a piece of my struggle to be kind (an epiphany of my own!)

Turns out the wise men didn't actually know what that new found star in the sky was all about. They did however recognize that it meant something. They were open to what it might mean and how that might change their lives. They had what a buddhist might call a beginners mind.

The guy who did know all about this star, King Herrod, was furious. He knew all about the prophecies of a Messiah and that this was the high sign that Christ had been born. I'm getting to kindness, I promise. King Herrod was the expert and thus had already formulated his reaction to this event. In fact, he sent the "wise" men on their way.

In my own life, I seek so often to be seen as smart, together, and expert-like. It occurs to me that I'm King Herrod in my quest for kindness. How often am I striving to be the expert when I could strive to be kind? How often am I like the wise men, open and ready to receive the light that prompts a more kind approach?

Lemme tell ya, the latter isn't all that often. BUT, this is progress on my journey to kindness! If I can untangle my need to be all-knowing, then kindness might just pour out of my soul.

Wow.

Weeks and months have passed with nary a word written about kindness. The thoughts, intentions, and struggles could fill a book, however. In the new year, I want to write more. I want to write about kindness. And, of course, I want to be more kind.

I have the most amazing people in my life. No really, they are smart, loving, accomplished, attentive, and you guessed it, kind. I recently read Anne Lamott's Help, Thanks, Wow (which I highly recommend). In it, she articulates my exact thinking about these people in my life. She writes,

Most humbling of all is to comprehend the lifesaving gift that your pit crew of people has been for you, and all the experience you have shared, the journeys together, the collaborations, births and deaths, divorces, rehab, and vacations, the solidarity you have shown one another... The marvel is only partly that somehow you lured them into your web twenty years ago...and they totally stuck with you...The more astonishing thing is that these greatest of all possible people feel the same way about you-horrible, grim, self-obsessed you...What a great scam, to have gotten people of such extreme quality and loyalty to think you are stuck with them.

Uh huh. That's exactly right.

I'm quite good at this scam. Should one have the unique privilege of meeting my people, one would immediately see this extreme quality. They are simply good. Good.to.the.core.

I'm sure you are wondering by now what this has to do with kindness. Plenty.

Today I was listening to a friend tell me all about a challenging life scenario. As the narrative progresses, I watch myself, in a slow motion movie, act like a complete ass. I wasn't even close to kind. I was abrasive, opinionated, bossy, and contrary. What I know about myself is that I'm worried in my bones about this high quality friend. This is likely why I responded in such a ridiculous way. How comforting, especially given that my new year's resolution to be more kind lasted less than 72 hours!

Later, I apologized and fessed up to my extreme worry. My friend, of course, was gracious, understanding, and (worst of all) kind. Why, oh why is that part so hard for me? I suppose I take comfort in the fact that I caught it this time. It only took me replaying this hideous display of brattiness a few dozen times before I recognized the opportunity to lead with my marshmallow heart.

Ok, 2013, you are bringing your A-game. Kindness will require more of me than giving money to the homeless and paying someone's parking meter. Excuse me while I go lick my wounds and prepare for this monstrous uphill climb.

marshmallow playing cards

Thinking about kindness and reflecting on my behavior has got me thinking about all kinds of things. I find myself driving down the freeway contemplating the difference between love & kindness and whether or not one can be kind without being pleasant or nice. And, of course, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I show up in the world.

I may have mentioned that I have a..ahem...direct side. I'm sure of myself and I'm often sure I'm right about any given thing (or everything). I have no qualms about asking a hard question or giving clear feedback about something. There is a positive spin on these things for sure. I do, however, hear the negative versions of this feedback from time to time. Aloof. Cool. Emotionless. That last one really stings. One time, a personality inventory said that when I'm not at my best I can appear like a "hachet-man". I'm not exactly sure what a hachet-man is, but I bet he isn't kind.

Here's the thing though. I'm one of the most sentimental people I know. My friend Sarah says I have a heart made of squishy marshmallow. I think she's right. I love real big & deep. Silly commercials about bread & coffee bring to tears. I care more about the people in my life than I could ever articulate. However, this isn't the first card I play. I lead with aloof, cool, or detached.

None of this is really about kindness at all, except that I don't play that card first either. Why not? What do I risk playing loving & kind first?

The Village Smith

I picked the week of a trip to launch this little experiment of mine. Nothing like the planes, trains, automobiles of getting to and from to bring out kindness towards others. It is not easy to be kind when being shoved through security at 5 AM, let me tell ya.

But I do have to say, I did see other people's kindness in all my travel annoyance. Two people gave up seats on a full tram to allow a mom and baby to sit down. An ancient man had the entire line at the pastry cart cracking up about his choice of doughnut and was beyond polite to the cashiers. A good smile and warm heart was had by all.

My new found focus on kindness gave me a solid 26 hour bump on the kindness scale. However, a busy work week with many competing interest pushed my new-found virtue off stage. Sigh. Maybe next week...


In all this hustle and bustle, I was reminded of a very kind person in my life. My mechanic. You see, I drive a 2004 honda civic (that I no longer love) named Slick. This wonderful mechanic takes such good care of Slick that he is never going to die. But The Village Smith, as he calls himself, is much more than a regular ole mechanic. He is off-the-charts kind when you interact with him. My most recent interaction with The Village Smith went something like this.


          Me: Hi Village Smith (VS), this is Michelle calling. You take care of my honda civic.


         VS: I sure do, Michelle, and I'm so blessed to be able to do that. Thanks for calling me today.


I am so stunned at his sincerity and kindness that I almost forgot why I called (some wheel-barring something something). Anyway, that conversation stayed with me all day.  It wasn't lip service; VS really did feel blessed to work on my car.

I'm sure at some point in my life & relationships, I've said something as kind to someone. But I know I don't do it every day, to any random person that crosses my path.

Do you? If so, how do you make sure to dole out kindness on the passers-by in your life?


This kindness thing is definitely harder than I thought...

For as long as I can remember

I've had something to say, about every little thing, for my entire life. Words like sassy, spitfire, quick-witted, direct and firecracker are always in the top three adjectives used to describe me. On a good day, only one is used. You can guess how many are used when I really get fired up. Had I learned to shut my trap when I was a teenager, I would have avoided 90% of all my foibles (and my parents may have suffered fewer headaches). However, I never did quick my yackin'. In fact, I turn 30 in a few short weeks and the antics haven't stopped.

Lots of other words are found in combination with these when outlining the primary make up of my countenance. Almost always included are: smart, determined, passionate, and leader. Sometimes my nearest and dearest say things like silly, honest, prideful, playful, and generous. Kind is never in the top 10. To be fair, I don't think these besties of mine would describe me as unkind. It just doesn't get high marks when compared to sassy, smart, or honest. 

So there kindness sits, with all the other adjectives, collecting dust at my feet. I stare at it often down there, all covered in spiderwebs, and think, "I'll be more kind today." 

This lasts about as long as my morning cup of coffee. Someone always traps me! Even before the sleep is wiped from my eyes, I think or say something unkind. Someone does something illogical, says something incorrectly, or, god-forbid, tackles a project differently than I would. Did you hear that? Oh right, kindness just flew right out the window.

But a little voice in the way down deep parts of my soul won't let me give up on this pursuit of kindness. Thus, it graces every list of new year's resolutions and personal goals. This year's iteration: Practice Radical Kindness. Because a decade of trying to be kind wasn't enough, this year I needed radically kind...

...which brings us to these ramblings.

I like thinking and writing, so I plan to use this space to write about my adventures in kindness. And hopefully, some of my friends will talk with me about what I write. If all goes according to plan (which always happens) I'll be more kind in no time! Honestly, what could go wrong?